{"id":1176,"date":"2009-12-13T15:54:52","date_gmt":"2009-12-13T22:54:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sarahdopp.com\/blog\/?p=1176"},"modified":"2009-12-13T16:32:08","modified_gmt":"2009-12-13T23:32:08","slug":"frequently-asked-questions-about-gender-and-sexuality-in-doppland","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sarahdopp.com\/blog\/2009\/frequently-asked-questions-about-gender-and-sexuality-in-doppland\/","title":{"rendered":"Frequently Asked Questions about Gender and Sexuality in Doppland"},"content":{"rendered":"
Heads up, this content is 16 years old. Please keep its age in mind while reading.<\/div>

Hey Everyone,<\/p>\n

So here’s the situation. I’m the founder of Genderfork.com<\/a>, a community expression site about gender variance, and I’m out as “queer<\/a>.”\u00a0 I also live in the gayest neighborhood in San Francisco and I host two events: Queer Open Mic<\/a> and Deviants Online<\/a>, both of which serve sexual minorities and other beautiful creative weirdos.\u00a0 I also sometimes speak<\/a> about gender and sexuality.\u00a0 It’s kind of a thing<\/em> in my life.<\/p>\n

But then again, in a lot of contexts, I talk about Non-Queer Stuff: I build websites, manage online communities, and try to be a good cell in the living, breathing organism that is Silicon Valley.\u00a0 This whole Gender and Sexuality association seems to be prompting a lot of questions that I need to catch up on, though, so let’s dig in…<\/p>\n

Q: OMG, I’m so sorry, I just referred to you as “female,” and you run that website, so that was probably a really stupid insensitive thing to say. Sorry. Sorry. What do you prefer?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> I appreciate you trying to be sensitive, but female<\/em>, woman<\/em>, and she<\/em> are fine for me, thanks. If you ever call me a lady<\/em> or a chick<\/em>, I’ll probably look at you like you’re smoking something, but that’ll be the end of it. I do identify as genderqueer<\/em>, but as long as you don’t expect me to fit a stereotypically feminine mold, we can stick to what’s familiar. It’s cool. <\/p>\n

Q: Okay, so is that probably true for everyone I meet who seems like you?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> Nope. People can look similar from the outside but feel differently on the inside, so it’s bad form to assume these things.<\/p>\n

Q: Got it. So when I don’t know how a person identifies, I should always ask?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> The Easy Answer is “yes,” but I’m not going to give you that one right now, because I think you can handle the Real Answer. The Real Answer is that in a lot of situations, the most respectful thing you can do is not need to ask<\/em>. <\/p>\n

Outside of Queer World, we know a lot about people just because they fit the same story that we’re telling. If Jane gets pregnant, we can assume it was from her husband, and if it wasn’t there’s probably a scandal to gossip about. If we meet a man named John in a suit at a party, we can usually assume that John has a penis and that he likes girls with vaginas. There’s nothing wrong with these assumptions when everyone fits the story. They stop being okay, though, when some people don’t. <\/p>\n

Inside Queer World, we try to stop assuming. We still do it (a lot — call it human nature), but we try to remember that the stories we’re making up about people are just stories<\/em>, and we try very hard not to say them out loud until they’re confirmed. The most respectful way to get someone’s real story is to listen<\/em>, not to ask. If you meet someone new, and you can’t tell what their gender, sexuality, or relationship story is is right away, ask yourself how much it really matters right that moment<\/em> to know the truth. Find a way to sit with the idea that maybe, this identity is a personal matter that they don’t want to talk about right then. Find a way to be okay with that. We don’t get all of these answers from each other, either, and we’re okay with that. <\/p>\n

Then again, if it’s genuinely relevant, or if the person in question is ready and willing to field questions, go ahead and ask. Just be prepared to accept whatever they tell you, even if it doesn’t quite make sense to you, and be very respectful about it all.<\/p>\n

Q: Sorry. I shouldn’t be asking you these questions, I guess. Do you want me to stop?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> Naw, you’re fine. I called this blog post “Frequently Asked Questions,” remember? Keep going. This is helpful to people.<\/p>\n

Q: Oh good. Can you tell me what you mean when you say “genderqueer”?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> If we’re only<\/i> talking about me<\/i> for a second… One way of putting it is that “I’m kind of bad at being a girl, and I like it that way.” <\/p>\n

Sometimes it seems like, for any situation, there are two ways of approaching it: the “guy way” and the “girl way.” I like to think of this as having two buckets of possible answers to draw from, and that I can pick out of whichever one I want, whenever I want. I personally<\/i> feel most comfortable when I’ve got one hand in each bucket, and am pulling out a fairly equal mix. <\/p>\n

Another way to think of “genderqueer” is as the conscious and intentional sculpting and performance of gender. People who identify as “genderqueer” come in a LOT of different flavors, and what they have in common is that they do it their own way.<\/p>\n

Q: Okay, so, do you have a girlfriend?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> I’m in a serious relationship, and it’s with a man (whom I refer to as “The Squeeze”). We’re also in an open relationship, and that fits us both very well. Sometimes I date girls, too.<\/p>\n

Q: Your serious relationship is with… a man? Wait. I thought you were queer. Oh, I know — he’s probably transgender, right? With a vagina?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> When this one was born, the doctors said, “It’s a boy.” <\/p>\n

Q: Doesn’t that make you straight, though? Or mostly-straight? Or, okay, I guess you’re bi, right?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> I like the word “queer” because it gives me permission to explore and be myself rather than fit a particular role. “Bisexual” is a hard word for me to embrace because it seems to suggest that there are two stories for gender attraction. The gender stuff I grapple with around attraction is much more complex. <\/p>\n

Oh, and no, it doesn’t make me straight. And if I were in a serious relationship a woman, that wouldn’t make me a lesbian, either. Who we’re with only represents one story about our needs, identities, and attractions. There’s so much more to us than that.<\/p>\n

Q: I thought “queer” was an offensive term for “gay.” Why are you using it?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> To some people, it’s derogatory. To me, and in many of my circles, it’s a very positive and embracing term that means “transcends the boxes.” If it has offensive meanings to you, you don’t need to call me queer. And if “bisexual” is easier, that word’s fine with me. Just don’t call me any words that mean “heterosexual” or “homosexual,” because those tend to be wrong.<\/p>\n

Q: Okay, so tell me about your man…<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> Hmm… sorry… I have to say no on this one. It’s my choice to be pretty public about my life, but he prefers to keep his life off the Internet. Out of respect for this preference, you won’t see me publishing his name, photo, or any other identifying information about him here. If you ever meet him, I’ll ask that you show him the same respect. (And no, sorry, his identity isn’t a super juicy secret that I’m trying to hide from you. This request is way more boring than that.)<\/p>\n

Q: Hmm, well, okay, so you’re in an open relationship? Does that mean… I mean… Um… So… what are you doing on Saturday?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> Probably building a website, but thanks. <\/p>\n

You’re still giving me that look. <\/p>\n

Oh boy.<\/p>\n

Okay, here’s the deal. I’m a work-obsessed introvert, I’m incredibly selective with my attractions, and my relationship needs are already being met. <\/p>\n

Let’s be friends and colleagues, okay?<\/p>\n

Q: Sure. Okay. So then why are you in an open relationship?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> For where I’m at in my life, it fits me well. It’s teaching me to examine my assumptions about relationships and to negotiate agreements based on what I really care about, rather than what I think I’m supposed to do. I also have a lot of learning and exploring and growing still to do, and not having hard walls up around our agreements helps me trust that my relationship can survive that growth. Fortunately, these are my partner’s preferences, too, and it’s working for us. <\/p>\n

Q: Got it. Thanks. So… that’s all I have for now, but what should I do if more questions come up?<\/b><\/p>\n

A:<\/b> Good question. How about you ask them in the comments below? Most of the time, I’m cool with being asked in other situations, but sometimes people just have bad timing. So yeah… let’s leave the comments below open for you to ask more whenever “more” comes up. That way you can be kind of anonymous about it if you really want to, and you won’t accidentally catch me in a setting when I’m really not comfortable getting into it. <\/p>\n

I greatly appreciate all the many varied people in my life, and I’m glad we can talk about this stuff together.<\/p>\n

Thanks and love,
\nSarah<\/p>\n

p.s. Queers: if you’d like, please also add comments below that answer other questions you wish more people had the answers to.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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