Heads up, this content is 16 years old. Please keep its age in mind while reading.

hat1.jpgDear Friends,

There’s a lot that’s missing from this blog. I rarely reference my art, my social network, my adventures, or my grapplings with identity politics. And that’s unfortunate, because these are significant and interesting parts of my life, and I’d like you to know about them. I’ve been keeping them off the radar because it’s been easier to let people make assumptions about my personal life than it has been to try to explain it to them. The downside of this is having to face some really wrong assumptions, all the while knowing that I haven’t done anything to prevent or correct them.

For reasons that continually boggle my mind, a lot of this seems to hinge around my sexual orientation. So let me take a stab at creating some common ground by offering up the label that makes the most sense to me: I’m queer.

This word seems to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, so here’s how it works in my life. First of all, I’m not straight (most people seem to figure this one out). Second, I’m not a lesbian (and I’m pretty damned sure about that, so please don’t challenge it). Third, I’m somewhat androgynous (which, incidentally, is not the same as being butch). I live in the middle ground. I have a high tolerance for ambiguity. I’m queer.

“Queer” is a word with positive connotations in my circles. Unless you’re saying it with a glare and a snarl, it is not an insult. You can use it to describe me.

Another word you can use is “bisexual.” I don’t mind this term (and it’s a lot more appropriate than “straight” or “gay”), but you should know that I rarely use it to describe myself. To me, the term “bisexual” suggests that there are only two genders in the world, and I disagree with that philosophy. We can get into that debate another time. For now, I’d just like you to understand that gender is rarely an important factor when I’m deciding who to date.

I find that many people tend to assume I’m a lesbian, so I don’t think of this post as “coming out of a closet” so much as “submitting a clarification.” If we can get onto the same page about my identity, I think we’ll find we have a lot more to talk about. I hope you’re game.


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18 Responses to “Queer.”

  1. Marc Says:

    Wait….you’re not straight?

    Aww…I’m denser than most >_<

  2. Koan Says:

    From one queer to another – respect!

  3. sarah Says:

    Marc — you knew me before I shaved my head, so you’re forgiven. ;)

    Koan — thank you. :)

  4. christopher carfi Says:

    sdopp FTW!

    by the way, did you ever read danah’s take? http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/archives/2004/12/09/my_queer_identity.html

  5. sarah Says:

    Chris — no I hadn’t! That is a *phenomenal* essay, and right on target. Thank you for the link.

  6. susan merrnit Says:

    This is such a wonderful post, for so many reasons. Hearts and hugs for you owning who you are so clearly–and explaining that love, attraction and gender politics don’t fit into neat boxes. Queer is a great word because it’s inclusive, as Andrew is pointing out to me, and because it can encompass so much.

  7. Amy Schure Says:


    looks like you have been busy..very impressed with the site..congrats..wish you the best, reach out to me soon.

  8. Jesse Says:

    I heard a great term at the 3 recently..

    “I’m not gay… I’m hetero-flexible”

    Thought you’d like that.

  9. schmutzie Says:

    As I’ve tried on and tossed many labels, queer is the one I have come to embrace the most so far, and after reading this post, I think I’m definitely keeping it. It obviously puts me in good company!

  10. Amy Gahran Says:

    Whoa — isn’t coming out as being outside the social mainstream on a quasi-professional blog career suicide? Heresy?

    LOL — NOT!!!!!

    Bravo! Way to go!

    – Amy Gahran

  11. Hollee Says:

    I couldn’t read this post and not comment, although I’m not sure if you know that I read this and it could be considered creepy and stalkerish, but that’s besides my point here, it made me smile, just because I can’t help but think that you never clarified what you have come to find are assumptions for some reason in your mind, and that now you can put yourself out there for all the world to read without thinking twice (hopefully not too much anyway, you’re the one who told me that other people’s opinions about me doesn’t matter, right?). Good for you, Sarah :)

  12. sarah Says:

    Hey Hollee,

    I’m glad you read this post. It makes me smile. Now you know a little more about where I’m coming from (if you didn’t already — which i suspect you did). :)

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.”

    .. doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect us, but it does mean we can usually get along just fine if we keep walking.


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  17. circe dopp Says:

    Accidentally found your blog cause we have the same last name. love, love your style, though you and I are completely different. I was just in SFO last week…synchronicity

  18. Dopp Juice » Blog Archive » Frequently Asked Questions about Gender and Sexuality in Doppland Says:

    […] of Genderfork.com, a community expression site about gender variance, and I’m out as “queer.”  I also live in the gayest neighborhood in San Francisco and I host two events: Queer Open […]